Why Do I Feel Like a Failure? It Could Be Intrusive Thoughts

How many times in your life have you made a mistake? You forgot something at the grocery store, you overcooked dinner, maybe you didn’t meet a deadline at work. Mistakes like this can lead to feelings of frustration within ourselves. Sometimes, we even start to beat ourselves up over them. Sometimes, we can’t seem to stop beating ourselves up, which is even more disturbing, and it’s no different for our fellow Buckeyes.

“Jeez, I can’t believe I did that. I feel so stupid. I let people down. Why does this always happen to me?”

These things happen to everyone and it’s normal to feel down about the outcome. Most people learn from their mistakes and move on.

However, for some of us, it becomes a disruptive part of our lives. The thoughts can be incredibly violent, like suddenly fantasizing about killing ourselves or someone we know. And these thoughts can get more intrusive with time. It can be terrifying.

Feelings like this, or intrusive thoughts, are a normal part of life. We often think things that we would never say or do in real life. It is when we start to believe these thoughts that it can become a problem.

The first thing to understand is that these kinds of negative thoughts, to a certain degree, are normal and everyone gets them. However, there are varying forms of intensity. Sometimes they can become so intrusive that they scare us and start taking over our lives. Other times, they simply keep us from getting out of bed each day. Either way, it’s the sign of a problem.

Mental health professionals call these “cognitive distortions” and, while everyone experiences them from time to time, they can become harmful when we start to view them as truths, like in the example above. Cognitive distortions are often sorted into a number of different categories by therapists:

• All or Nothing - If I make even one mistake, I’m a failure
• Diminishing - I accomplished this goal but I could’ve done better
• Overthinking - If I obsess and plan out every detail, then I’ll be able to solve any problems that come up
• High Sensitivity - They aren’t talking to me. I must have done something wrong
• Mind Reading - I bet he wishes I was someone else, I know I do…

Feelings like these can cause your mind to turn into your own personal echo chamber where your intrusive thoughts can multiply and reinforce each other. We tend to not look at all that we have accomplished but rather we get hyper-focused on where we have failed. Here are some examples:

• Look at all the weight I’ve gained versus I birthed a beautiful baby
• Look how ugly my hair is versus everyone complimented me on the new style
• I’ve never done anything good or accomplished anything versus I’ve raised a family, bought a home, graduated, have a job, and contribute to my community
• I’m a constant disappointment versus my family tells me they love me every day

Thinking this way over a period of time, or coming to believe these thoughts, can lead to serious mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, OCD, or bipolar disorder. Depression negatively impacts the way that you think and feel and can make accomplishing even day to day tasks seem impossible.

Common signs of some of these disorders can include:

• Sleeping excessively or have trouble falling and/or staying asleep
• Difficulty concentrating or finishing tasks
• Loss of energy
• Lack of enthusiasm
• Not participating in or loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
• Feelings of worthlessness and guilt
• Continual feelings of sadness that you can’t seem to shake
• Thoughts of suicide or that the world would be better without you

Once in a negative mental state, it gets harder and harder to let go of these feelings, and what was once just intrusive thoughts are now obsessive thoughts. Depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts are all interlinked.

An event, like the death of a loved one, can cause many of these feelings but, as time passes, those feelings tend to fade. If we continue to obsess over them, the events of the death or even death itself can cause feelings of depression or anxiety. The anxiety and experiencing intrusive thoughts play a significant part in pushing the depression deeper.

This vicious circle that hinges on bad thoughts can lead to more complex issues like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or major depressive disorders.

Saving Yourself, From Your Intrusive Thoughts

So if everyone has these intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions, how do I get mine under control?

The first and simplest way to deal with intrusive thoughts is self-care. Take the time to see triggers and be aware when disturbing thoughts occur. Wellness coping strategies keep you mindful in the present and of the fact that they are just thoughts. You can label them for what they are and recognize that they may not be your real intentions.

Sometimes, however, talking yourself down off of the ledge can be too much. We may know in our hearts that what we are thinking isn’t what we truly want, but once we are in our personal echo chamber it gets harder to negate traumatic feelings and experiences.

In those cases, it is best to reach out to someone for help and guidance. Many therapists will employ the use of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or talk therapy as a way to help you come to terms with feelings of anxiety and depression.

Merely dismissing the thoughts or having someone tell you that they aren’t real may even cause you to fixate on them more. By talking during therapy,  you are able to learn new ways of thinking and become less sensitive to fixations. Is it time to get help for your depression and intrusive thoughts? Take our no-cost mental health screening.